Been thinking about birthday today, am thirty five on Wednesday, discovered last night by browsing amazon there is a new condition in America that I probably have, either it starts at thirty or thirty five depending on which book you buy. It's called peri-menopausal and as far as I can work out simply from skim reading the comments basically you get it (but only in America?) before you are menopausal. I think is makes you grumpy, have PMT in a bad way, and be forgetful.
I must have it, as can be very grumpy. Got grumpy yesterday with cat for sitting on warm bit of blanket and making me feel bad if I stole it from her, and have got sort of low level grumpiness with self and husband for still not painting over crazy peacock/grapes design thing over living room bay window. Oh, and also grumpy as car not been cleaned, not sure who I expect to clean it but would like magic cleaning men like in London. We used to go to a drive through valet and clean place in clapton, it was wonderful, loads of men - about ten I think used to polish, clean, vacuum and clean outside of car. Afterwards it had no mould in, or little spiders and smelt nice. There was also a sort of comforting mafioso air about it, as the working men dashed about cleaning cars, and the Big Man checked them all and was the only one in charge of the money.
Also grumpy as husband has lost my birthday present in the post, yes that may seem unfair but it is actually his fault. He bought something on e-bay, but got it sent to London. The nice people in London forwarded it to Hastings, but unfortunately to our old temp address we only used for a month. Somewhere on the A21 it disappeared, possibly cos nice Londoners did not put any additional postage on it, still bit grumpy about it.
Sunday, 18 November 2007
Friday, 16 November 2007
25 ways to save money
I think we're not alone in feeling the pinch at present, everyone I know is thinking about how to save money, make more money and make the best of the money they have. So here are my 25 top ways to save money, all but one of which I use myself, the latter I can credit my friend H with.
1. Avoid turning on the central heating in the house, by wearing thermal vests (children), cardigans or jumpers and slippers (all).
2. Use woodburner, or open fire whenever possible, and burn found wood collected from the ground on country walks (you may need to take an axe/saw with you, so might be worth taking whole family so police are not called.
3. Keep old linen, curtains, etc and re-use. If you move house, curtains you went off can suddently have a new lease of life in new window with a new room. Or creative types can make up children's costumes out of these, or even new cushions.
4. Using up the ends of paint pots by painting old furniture, handed down chairs, children's tables etc. Of course this is not to be recommended on real antiques but is great to add a chic factor to yellow pine and Ikea bits.
5. Order a weekly vegetable box, either from an organic company, or locally our PCT organises a scheme, and plan meals based around contents of box. This way you get to eat (mostly) healthily and have some inspiration for meal planning. I use cranks cookbook, and index of other less worthy volumes to find things to do with more unusual vegetables (have to admit have never yet cooked the celeriac though).
6. Buy economy tissues for the children to use, they use so many that although they are not recycled it is less waste as they're so thin.
7. Make cupcakes and birthday cakes from scrach rather then buying, also taste far better, even if for me anyway sometimes look a bit flat/burnt/plain weird.
8. Re-discover basic cleaning products, you'll be amazed at actually how much better they can be than the more modern developed products, i.e. use cream cleanser with scrubber (sponge not you) for the bathroom instead of specific bathroom cleanser, and own brand antibacterial cleanser for everything else.
9. Rather than buying expensive flowers, use what you have, whether they are beautiful flowers growing in the garden, or bits and pieces of seasonal green. A selection of charity shop, and collected vases will help display these to best effect.
10. Family fun nights - try football crazy nights, with finger rolls topped with cheese, and red pepper cut in to St. George's flag, if you support England, or make up your own flag recipes depending who your family support. Try X Factor nights, get some soft drinks in, darken the lights and join in with the voting, and singing if you know the songs. And of course there is always the seminal Eurovision pary night, which is my favourite - think Euro pop, stringing and making paper Euro flags around the room, betting on your favourites, or picking countries out of a hat, downloading the songs to sing along, and even digging out old video's of previous years' competitions to watch after the show.
11. Make your own popcorn - simply buy from health food ships, heat some oil up in a lidded saucepan, add enough corn to cover the base well, put lid on, shake every little while and listen for the pops. When they have died down, its probably ready. Add some butter and salt or sugar and enjoy.
12. De-clutter areas of your house every couple of months, e.g. bookshelves, DVD's, toys, wardrobes etc, and either sell on e-bay/amazon or store to have a car boot sale every couple of years, or more often if you have lots of bits. Generally speaking you can usually make more on ebay or amazon (for books) if items can be posted.
13. Do the obvious and right things, turn off lights when leaving a room, and replace used bulbs with energy efficient ones.
14. Give and recieve hand me down clothes for your children, so expensive to have to buy all new, and appreciated by everyone.
15. Buy or borrow a tent and go on camping holidays, you'll be amazed at how civilised they are nowadays, mostly with nice loos and showers, and you can take all your own things, and have yummy local salads/grilled prawns and fresh bread to eat.
16. Use the local library for books and DVD's rather than buying them. Apart from particular favourites which can then be bought most are only read/watched once anyway. Some boroughs now rent children's DVD's for free (although not East Sussex).
17. Buy some items locally, or from local markets, bread is usually much nicer straight from the bakers, and not much more expensive (hence more likely to be used than horrid cheap bread), free range eggs are only 70p per half dozen from our local shops, about half the price of supermarket ones, and in the country, like here, fresh milk from local farms is again reasonably priced in local shops.
18. Bulk buy certain items in cheaper Northern and Scandinavian supermarkets, much cheaper for decent pasta, tins of tomato's, bottled water (if you use it on days out), some cheese, although hard to tell if veggie, big cartons of yoghurt, cartons of juice, and my favourite 55% fruit jam at half the major supermarket price for red coloured jammy sugar (or 35% fruit jam in other words).
19.Cut children's hair at home, this needs a steady hand, but once you buy a pair of good scissors and they have basic- ish hair you won't look back. n.b. ignore all friends who say son looks like his hair is the shape of pudding basin. When they are young the children look adorable with pudding basin heads and they don't mind.
20. Avoid takeaways and eating out. The best way I find to resist temptation is to quickly make and easy dinner like noodles or jacket potato's or even cheese on toast.
21. Rather than buy frozen pizza, make your own, with either a quick and easy scone base, or proper dough base, much healthier, and you can easily add your favourite toppings, always mushroom and black olive in this house, with occasional bit of pepper, and frozen spinach.
22. Hang washing on line, and clothes horses rather than use dryer, since we got rid of our dryer we have saved lots of electricity, and have had to be more organised...
23. Invite your friends over for drinks, cheaper than the pub, comfortable chairs, you get to choose your own music. Note to self, hide husbands' 'Mother is a witch and she burned at the stake' punk music before next time we have drinks party, only get out if people staying too late, as makes them go home.
24. Hang out in the kitchen when using the oven, its much warmer, obviously making sure slippers are worn.
25. Use real nappies, and this bit is friend's tip, pop wipes in nappy bucket too, they can also be re-used and apparantly come out of washing machine nice and soft. Would not recommend using these for wiping noses though, even if this does save on tissues and hence give fund for coffees and cakes out.
Would be interested in hearing other ideas.....
1. Avoid turning on the central heating in the house, by wearing thermal vests (children), cardigans or jumpers and slippers (all).
2. Use woodburner, or open fire whenever possible, and burn found wood collected from the ground on country walks (you may need to take an axe/saw with you, so might be worth taking whole family so police are not called.
3. Keep old linen, curtains, etc and re-use. If you move house, curtains you went off can suddently have a new lease of life in new window with a new room. Or creative types can make up children's costumes out of these, or even new cushions.
4. Using up the ends of paint pots by painting old furniture, handed down chairs, children's tables etc. Of course this is not to be recommended on real antiques but is great to add a chic factor to yellow pine and Ikea bits.
5. Order a weekly vegetable box, either from an organic company, or locally our PCT organises a scheme, and plan meals based around contents of box. This way you get to eat (mostly) healthily and have some inspiration for meal planning. I use cranks cookbook, and index of other less worthy volumes to find things to do with more unusual vegetables (have to admit have never yet cooked the celeriac though).
6. Buy economy tissues for the children to use, they use so many that although they are not recycled it is less waste as they're so thin.
7. Make cupcakes and birthday cakes from scrach rather then buying, also taste far better, even if for me anyway sometimes look a bit flat/burnt/plain weird.
8. Re-discover basic cleaning products, you'll be amazed at actually how much better they can be than the more modern developed products, i.e. use cream cleanser with scrubber (sponge not you) for the bathroom instead of specific bathroom cleanser, and own brand antibacterial cleanser for everything else.
9. Rather than buying expensive flowers, use what you have, whether they are beautiful flowers growing in the garden, or bits and pieces of seasonal green. A selection of charity shop, and collected vases will help display these to best effect.
10. Family fun nights - try football crazy nights, with finger rolls topped with cheese, and red pepper cut in to St. George's flag, if you support England, or make up your own flag recipes depending who your family support. Try X Factor nights, get some soft drinks in, darken the lights and join in with the voting, and singing if you know the songs. And of course there is always the seminal Eurovision pary night, which is my favourite - think Euro pop, stringing and making paper Euro flags around the room, betting on your favourites, or picking countries out of a hat, downloading the songs to sing along, and even digging out old video's of previous years' competitions to watch after the show.
11. Make your own popcorn - simply buy from health food ships, heat some oil up in a lidded saucepan, add enough corn to cover the base well, put lid on, shake every little while and listen for the pops. When they have died down, its probably ready. Add some butter and salt or sugar and enjoy.
12. De-clutter areas of your house every couple of months, e.g. bookshelves, DVD's, toys, wardrobes etc, and either sell on e-bay/amazon or store to have a car boot sale every couple of years, or more often if you have lots of bits. Generally speaking you can usually make more on ebay or amazon (for books) if items can be posted.
13. Do the obvious and right things, turn off lights when leaving a room, and replace used bulbs with energy efficient ones.
14. Give and recieve hand me down clothes for your children, so expensive to have to buy all new, and appreciated by everyone.
15. Buy or borrow a tent and go on camping holidays, you'll be amazed at how civilised they are nowadays, mostly with nice loos and showers, and you can take all your own things, and have yummy local salads/grilled prawns and fresh bread to eat.
16. Use the local library for books and DVD's rather than buying them. Apart from particular favourites which can then be bought most are only read/watched once anyway. Some boroughs now rent children's DVD's for free (although not East Sussex).
17. Buy some items locally, or from local markets, bread is usually much nicer straight from the bakers, and not much more expensive (hence more likely to be used than horrid cheap bread), free range eggs are only 70p per half dozen from our local shops, about half the price of supermarket ones, and in the country, like here, fresh milk from local farms is again reasonably priced in local shops.
18. Bulk buy certain items in cheaper Northern and Scandinavian supermarkets, much cheaper for decent pasta, tins of tomato's, bottled water (if you use it on days out), some cheese, although hard to tell if veggie, big cartons of yoghurt, cartons of juice, and my favourite 55% fruit jam at half the major supermarket price for red coloured jammy sugar (or 35% fruit jam in other words).
19.Cut children's hair at home, this needs a steady hand, but once you buy a pair of good scissors and they have basic- ish hair you won't look back. n.b. ignore all friends who say son looks like his hair is the shape of pudding basin. When they are young the children look adorable with pudding basin heads and they don't mind.
20. Avoid takeaways and eating out. The best way I find to resist temptation is to quickly make and easy dinner like noodles or jacket potato's or even cheese on toast.
21. Rather than buy frozen pizza, make your own, with either a quick and easy scone base, or proper dough base, much healthier, and you can easily add your favourite toppings, always mushroom and black olive in this house, with occasional bit of pepper, and frozen spinach.
22. Hang washing on line, and clothes horses rather than use dryer, since we got rid of our dryer we have saved lots of electricity, and have had to be more organised...
23. Invite your friends over for drinks, cheaper than the pub, comfortable chairs, you get to choose your own music. Note to self, hide husbands' 'Mother is a witch and she burned at the stake' punk music before next time we have drinks party, only get out if people staying too late, as makes them go home.
24. Hang out in the kitchen when using the oven, its much warmer, obviously making sure slippers are worn.
25. Use real nappies, and this bit is friend's tip, pop wipes in nappy bucket too, they can also be re-used and apparantly come out of washing machine nice and soft. Would not recommend using these for wiping noses though, even if this does save on tissues and hence give fund for coffees and cakes out.
Would be interested in hearing other ideas.....
Thursday, 15 November 2007
Shoes - is it an addiction?
Spent all night dreaming about shoes, and worrying I don't know what's even in the shops at the moment. Got a wondeful shoe fix this morning from the net, decided to just look up all my favourite shops and browse on line. There are some wonderful low heeled T-bar shoes, sort of forties styles in great colours chocolate brown, turquoise, moss etc. There are also the cutest little canvas pumps, although I think I'm too old for these, and probably too much cankle shows.
I'm not sure what the frugal answer to wanting to shoe shop is, second hand shops, and e bay won't do it, I need the latest lovely shoes. Well, the trouble is I probably don't need them, unless I start doing something more exciting that trolling playgroups and the streets with the children. I really want them. Possibly the frugal answer is to sell things of equal value then I can buy them. That way I guess I'd get rid of more junk, and only have a teensy pair of shoes in the way. But should I be buying them or paying off my credit card? I think I know the answer so in the meantime should scout around for bits and bobs to e-bay and at least make a bit of cash.
Last time I went shoe shopping I bought two pairs of shoes at once, that felt like an amazing extravagence as they were similar but they were, and are fantastic and I wear both occasionally so shoes really are an investment. Particularly now all my pre-children shoes don't fit me, I've gone up to massive size eight, so don't have much shoe choice in my wardrobe.
Of course I'd be fascinated to know what is a normal amount of shoes for a woman to have, husband thinksI have loads, but of course he is wrong.
Ok for purposes of sharing, I have;
One pair of winter boots, O'Neills sort of Ugg types that I love
One pair of brown mid heeled ankle boots, handy for smartening up trousers
One pair of Converse ankle pumps, everyday wear when its warmer
One pair of white Birkenstocks, again essential - more so since friend C found out you can wash them in machine - no washing powder though.
One pair of Havianas - again summer essentials
One pair of flat moss green pumps - handy for smart ish events
One pair of jewelled flip flops - not much use, flop off feet
One pair of encased toe green wedges - good for work etc
One pair of green sandle wedges - lovely in the summer with denim
One pair of flowery Boden wellies - great for the country, these don't count as shoes either as were a present
One pair of proper ish trainers, well used, and occasionally used at the moment.
That's not much at all is it - and its obvious what I'm missing at the moment - party shoes! Must sell some things and buy some.
Will canvas friends and see if I'm in the normal amount of shoe variety, or deprived. Think am deprived actually. But is that the addiction talking?
I'm not sure what the frugal answer to wanting to shoe shop is, second hand shops, and e bay won't do it, I need the latest lovely shoes. Well, the trouble is I probably don't need them, unless I start doing something more exciting that trolling playgroups and the streets with the children. I really want them. Possibly the frugal answer is to sell things of equal value then I can buy them. That way I guess I'd get rid of more junk, and only have a teensy pair of shoes in the way. But should I be buying them or paying off my credit card? I think I know the answer so in the meantime should scout around for bits and bobs to e-bay and at least make a bit of cash.
Last time I went shoe shopping I bought two pairs of shoes at once, that felt like an amazing extravagence as they were similar but they were, and are fantastic and I wear both occasionally so shoes really are an investment. Particularly now all my pre-children shoes don't fit me, I've gone up to massive size eight, so don't have much shoe choice in my wardrobe.
Of course I'd be fascinated to know what is a normal amount of shoes for a woman to have, husband thinksI have loads, but of course he is wrong.
Ok for purposes of sharing, I have;
One pair of winter boots, O'Neills sort of Ugg types that I love
One pair of brown mid heeled ankle boots, handy for smartening up trousers
One pair of Converse ankle pumps, everyday wear when its warmer
One pair of white Birkenstocks, again essential - more so since friend C found out you can wash them in machine - no washing powder though.
One pair of Havianas - again summer essentials
One pair of flat moss green pumps - handy for smart ish events
One pair of jewelled flip flops - not much use, flop off feet
One pair of encased toe green wedges - good for work etc
One pair of green sandle wedges - lovely in the summer with denim
One pair of flowery Boden wellies - great for the country, these don't count as shoes either as were a present
One pair of proper ish trainers, well used, and occasionally used at the moment.
That's not much at all is it - and its obvious what I'm missing at the moment - party shoes! Must sell some things and buy some.
Will canvas friends and see if I'm in the normal amount of shoe variety, or deprived. Think am deprived actually. But is that the addiction talking?
Wednesday, 14 November 2007
Shopped out - not!
Just been in to town, remembered the essential ness of thermal vests for children...after scouring all cheaper shops finally got some in marks and spencer's. Shopping is hard here, I'm starting to think is hard in all smaller towns, maybe that is why catalogues exist (well and to spread the cost).
Went shoe shopping on the weekend for the children, could not get any shoes in their size (apart from flashing trainers which do not count) in first shop, finally managed to buy some we all agreed on in last shop, although when husband tried to have an opinion did tell him to shut up, as couldn't cope with any more democracy in the family. Think he was bit offended, still avoided the shoe equivalent of dodgy pubs (sorry Mat).
Then today saw some clogs in a shop I quite liked, but worried that I just liked them because I haven't seen any decent shoes for ages, and would, as friend H put it; ' Go off them in London because they aren't properly trendy, you just think they are out of shopping deprivation'. Worried if I need a new outfit around Christmas, well I do, but can I afford it? Rather than skulk about primark and matalan and try and create a funky but somehow expensive looking outfit by sheer familiarsation with the stock. But here...there's just the lower end of the market and several next shops, which a local told me I look like I shop in as I'm posh (shamefully rather than being a bit embarassed at being told I was posh was more like shock horror I look like I shop in that horrid shop).
And the cheaper shops, just look well, cheap when they're not bang up to date, but full of nylon and bad seams. The alternative is to go in to town, or Bluewater, trouble is there is no way I can bring self and credit card in those locations without serious damage.
When people talk about downshifting maybe they all know the fact that there's nothing to buy means that you stick to your budget, but also look like an out of date country girl. I even found myself lusting after one of those sleeveless padded vest things the other day, thought it'd be handy nipping in and out of car. Please someone warn me if I ever buy anything in bottle green, wellies, coat or anything, that I used to be cool once...
Went shoe shopping on the weekend for the children, could not get any shoes in their size (apart from flashing trainers which do not count) in first shop, finally managed to buy some we all agreed on in last shop, although when husband tried to have an opinion did tell him to shut up, as couldn't cope with any more democracy in the family. Think he was bit offended, still avoided the shoe equivalent of dodgy pubs (sorry Mat).
Then today saw some clogs in a shop I quite liked, but worried that I just liked them because I haven't seen any decent shoes for ages, and would, as friend H put it; ' Go off them in London because they aren't properly trendy, you just think they are out of shopping deprivation'. Worried if I need a new outfit around Christmas, well I do, but can I afford it? Rather than skulk about primark and matalan and try and create a funky but somehow expensive looking outfit by sheer familiarsation with the stock. But here...there's just the lower end of the market and several next shops, which a local told me I look like I shop in as I'm posh (shamefully rather than being a bit embarassed at being told I was posh was more like shock horror I look like I shop in that horrid shop).
And the cheaper shops, just look well, cheap when they're not bang up to date, but full of nylon and bad seams. The alternative is to go in to town, or Bluewater, trouble is there is no way I can bring self and credit card in those locations without serious damage.
When people talk about downshifting maybe they all know the fact that there's nothing to buy means that you stick to your budget, but also look like an out of date country girl. I even found myself lusting after one of those sleeveless padded vest things the other day, thought it'd be handy nipping in and out of car. Please someone warn me if I ever buy anything in bottle green, wellies, coat or anything, that I used to be cool once...
Managing low expectations
Kept thinking all night about what happens to lots of women, including me when we have children. I've got a good degree, a further degree, and have had great jobs. In fact probably was hoping to get to director level before I was forty. But when I had children everything changed, suddenly I was a bit more paranoid then before, a bit more vulnerable and my head wasn't just in to my job. And even if it was just how we feel it wouldn't be so bad, but children really need their parents, they get sick, have worrying rashes and temperatures, cry when you leave them, cry when you pick them up. Sometimes I wonder its possible we get anything done with young children.
When I had just one child I just about managed to work three days a week, but truthfully was not managing either my workload or family life as well as I'd have wanted, so I felt obliged to up my work hours to four days. Then I felt out of touch with my baby community, and with doing things with my son, our Friday afternoons were more about the girls chatting then watching our lovelies.
I'd leave Ollie at nursery at eight, then rush to work in an hour of traffic usually to get their for nine. Work through the day, never stopping for lunch, then rush home at five, be in an hour of aggressive traffic (this was through Tottenham, North London), get to the nursery to find son sitting in a corner sucking his thumb. We'd then get home, make a quick dinner, and son would be in bed by seven. And start again the next day. I felt like a clock watcher at work for never putting in the extra hours, and just sad because I wanted to bring up my son, not nineteen year old girls.
It got even harder when I had my second child, after a traumatic birth, difficult first few months - settling down as a four person family, I planned an au pair to look after children. The one I employed despite seeming nice and coming with good references simply could not cope alone with them - I do now its not easy. Then I planned a child minder, again with good references, and set a date to return to work. The child minder could not start for a couple of weeks so my mother in law came over to look after children. The day before my return to work my daughter became very ill with a stomach bug. I could not leave her, and postponed returning to work for a week. She got better through the week, but mother in law caught it and got ill.
After over ten years of living in London, I'd managed to almost avoid crime, my luck ran out that week. According to the police this was because I was vulnerable with two babies, this was hard for me to accept, as I've always prided myself on being strong and tough, and never thought of my self as as a target.
I walked with the children in their buggy through an unfamiliar area on the way from a local eye test to playgroup. This area took me through an estate which definitely had an aura of unwelcome and frankly scariness about it. I think I was then followed up to the high street, and when I got to the Baptist church, to enter the playgroup, two men with balaclavas on rode up to me on bikes, grabbed my bag and started to cycle off. I was so shocked I was shouting that's my bag and give it back. My son saw the whole thing.
The police came quickly, and were very supportive, as were all my friends at the group, who took the children off and looked after them. The biggest problem was not money, I didn't have any, or my cards, I cancelled them, or even my phone, which I again cancelled. It was my car keys which have a bleep y lock on, and the brand of the car, and my house keys. The police dispatched some officers to look after my flat straight away, and my mother in law, who was inside. She was so ill I don't think she totally realised how scary it could have been, which was a relief really.
After the shock, the worst was to come, when my car was taken by RAC on behalf of Norwich Union to have the locks changed. It was crashed in to, and lost by them while they had it, and I love my car, it felt like it had been violated.
I had to try and get to the bottom of new cards, hire car, new car seats for the children, new phone, an also deal with my feelings whilst back at work. It was really really hard, in retrospect I did do some good pieces of work in my three months back, but it came at an emotional cost. At the same time I had the child minder calling me and saying that my daughter was crying and would not settle every day by at least three in the afternoon.
I felt I'd gone from a strong, capable career minded single woman to a sort of neurotic worrier with numerous problems, and to cap it all before I'd gone back to work the Chief Executive had made a point of getting my boss to ask me whether I was serious about going back, or just wanted a little three month project, to avoid paying back my maternity leave. I also felt, and it was suggested to me that unless I did at least a four day week then I would not be taken seriously at my grade.
Here I was insulted at all that, and yet unable to cope in the little three month project I'd ended up going in to. I gave my notice in after a month, but rather then being the wonderful life enhancing decision it should have been I cried. I can see now that this was because I simply could not make any other decision, therefore I hadn't come to terms with it. I cried when I told the childminder I was leaving work, and knew then it would be tough.
That all said, the children have thrived since I left, largely we've eaten better, been healthier and the house is much more of a home then ever before. Apart from the financial side, which we always knew would be tough its worked really well. But the toll on me has been great, don't have the ability to think analytically any more, can't read complex articles and books, not sure I will ever, or in fact could ever get back on the career ladder again, and have forgotten who I am.
I keep wondering what the answers are, and thinking about literature and art that is about staying at home wives. I keep coming back to the song ' Mothers little helper', forgotten artist but written about tranquilisers, and to Hannah Gavron's seminal book about women trapped in a council estate; ' The Captive Wife'. Then I think about all the mothers I knew in the seventies with their obsessions with cleaning rota's ,and perfect houses, and knowing which day you had which dish for dinner. I think even Ann Oakley wrote and researched ' Housewife' when she was in this phase of her life.
I'm struggling to find positive stories about about stay at home mummies, I seem to remember a swathe of mummy chick lit books, have to admit they all seem to blend in to one in the end. The only happy endings I can think of entail the mummy finding a project, a shop to manage, a business; hotel etc to run.
Then there are the examples of the perfect yummy mummies, Paula Yates was one, and Jools Oliver today's. Paula Yates was clearly a great mummy when her children were little, full of fun, creative ideas and love. But was the effort she put in to this too great, so that when she escaped she went too far? What about Jools Oliver, she has nannies, and now her own writing projects, and no doubt others too, and she publicly talks about the loneliness of being on her own with the children most of the time.
The feminist ideas from the seventies of living in co-operatives, or communes and everyone being responsible for the children come to mind, or of good accessible childcare being open long hours. Before I had children I thought these were great, and would enable women to continue to be themselves. I also though making anything accessible to women and children just meant running a creche. Now as a normal anxious mother I can imagine so many horror examples of these, I know they are not the answer, although they may help.
Truthfully the only 2007 thinking around enabling mothers (or fathers with childcare responsibility) seems to be with the New Right' s subtle push on single parents to get them back to work. Even then though this is just focused on childcare, and not on all the many and varied emotions that parents go through.
When I had just one child I just about managed to work three days a week, but truthfully was not managing either my workload or family life as well as I'd have wanted, so I felt obliged to up my work hours to four days. Then I felt out of touch with my baby community, and with doing things with my son, our Friday afternoons were more about the girls chatting then watching our lovelies.
I'd leave Ollie at nursery at eight, then rush to work in an hour of traffic usually to get their for nine. Work through the day, never stopping for lunch, then rush home at five, be in an hour of aggressive traffic (this was through Tottenham, North London), get to the nursery to find son sitting in a corner sucking his thumb. We'd then get home, make a quick dinner, and son would be in bed by seven. And start again the next day. I felt like a clock watcher at work for never putting in the extra hours, and just sad because I wanted to bring up my son, not nineteen year old girls.
It got even harder when I had my second child, after a traumatic birth, difficult first few months - settling down as a four person family, I planned an au pair to look after children. The one I employed despite seeming nice and coming with good references simply could not cope alone with them - I do now its not easy. Then I planned a child minder, again with good references, and set a date to return to work. The child minder could not start for a couple of weeks so my mother in law came over to look after children. The day before my return to work my daughter became very ill with a stomach bug. I could not leave her, and postponed returning to work for a week. She got better through the week, but mother in law caught it and got ill.
After over ten years of living in London, I'd managed to almost avoid crime, my luck ran out that week. According to the police this was because I was vulnerable with two babies, this was hard for me to accept, as I've always prided myself on being strong and tough, and never thought of my self as as a target.
I walked with the children in their buggy through an unfamiliar area on the way from a local eye test to playgroup. This area took me through an estate which definitely had an aura of unwelcome and frankly scariness about it. I think I was then followed up to the high street, and when I got to the Baptist church, to enter the playgroup, two men with balaclavas on rode up to me on bikes, grabbed my bag and started to cycle off. I was so shocked I was shouting that's my bag and give it back. My son saw the whole thing.
The police came quickly, and were very supportive, as were all my friends at the group, who took the children off and looked after them. The biggest problem was not money, I didn't have any, or my cards, I cancelled them, or even my phone, which I again cancelled. It was my car keys which have a bleep y lock on, and the brand of the car, and my house keys. The police dispatched some officers to look after my flat straight away, and my mother in law, who was inside. She was so ill I don't think she totally realised how scary it could have been, which was a relief really.
After the shock, the worst was to come, when my car was taken by RAC on behalf of Norwich Union to have the locks changed. It was crashed in to, and lost by them while they had it, and I love my car, it felt like it had been violated.
I had to try and get to the bottom of new cards, hire car, new car seats for the children, new phone, an also deal with my feelings whilst back at work. It was really really hard, in retrospect I did do some good pieces of work in my three months back, but it came at an emotional cost. At the same time I had the child minder calling me and saying that my daughter was crying and would not settle every day by at least three in the afternoon.
I felt I'd gone from a strong, capable career minded single woman to a sort of neurotic worrier with numerous problems, and to cap it all before I'd gone back to work the Chief Executive had made a point of getting my boss to ask me whether I was serious about going back, or just wanted a little three month project, to avoid paying back my maternity leave. I also felt, and it was suggested to me that unless I did at least a four day week then I would not be taken seriously at my grade.
Here I was insulted at all that, and yet unable to cope in the little three month project I'd ended up going in to. I gave my notice in after a month, but rather then being the wonderful life enhancing decision it should have been I cried. I can see now that this was because I simply could not make any other decision, therefore I hadn't come to terms with it. I cried when I told the childminder I was leaving work, and knew then it would be tough.
That all said, the children have thrived since I left, largely we've eaten better, been healthier and the house is much more of a home then ever before. Apart from the financial side, which we always knew would be tough its worked really well. But the toll on me has been great, don't have the ability to think analytically any more, can't read complex articles and books, not sure I will ever, or in fact could ever get back on the career ladder again, and have forgotten who I am.
I keep wondering what the answers are, and thinking about literature and art that is about staying at home wives. I keep coming back to the song ' Mothers little helper', forgotten artist but written about tranquilisers, and to Hannah Gavron's seminal book about women trapped in a council estate; ' The Captive Wife'. Then I think about all the mothers I knew in the seventies with their obsessions with cleaning rota's ,and perfect houses, and knowing which day you had which dish for dinner. I think even Ann Oakley wrote and researched ' Housewife' when she was in this phase of her life.
I'm struggling to find positive stories about about stay at home mummies, I seem to remember a swathe of mummy chick lit books, have to admit they all seem to blend in to one in the end. The only happy endings I can think of entail the mummy finding a project, a shop to manage, a business; hotel etc to run.
Then there are the examples of the perfect yummy mummies, Paula Yates was one, and Jools Oliver today's. Paula Yates was clearly a great mummy when her children were little, full of fun, creative ideas and love. But was the effort she put in to this too great, so that when she escaped she went too far? What about Jools Oliver, she has nannies, and now her own writing projects, and no doubt others too, and she publicly talks about the loneliness of being on her own with the children most of the time.
The feminist ideas from the seventies of living in co-operatives, or communes and everyone being responsible for the children come to mind, or of good accessible childcare being open long hours. Before I had children I thought these were great, and would enable women to continue to be themselves. I also though making anything accessible to women and children just meant running a creche. Now as a normal anxious mother I can imagine so many horror examples of these, I know they are not the answer, although they may help.
Truthfully the only 2007 thinking around enabling mothers (or fathers with childcare responsibility) seems to be with the New Right' s subtle push on single parents to get them back to work. Even then though this is just focused on childcare, and not on all the many and varied emotions that parents go through.
Tuesday, 13 November 2007
Good Lord, I know London is warmer but seriously...
It's so cold in the country, why did no one tell me? Two jumpers are not enough in the evening, and we have to permanently wear slippers. Slippers and cardigans! We're not even forty, it is really, like uncool. Trying to think of funky ways to stay warm, have couple of lovely blankets, but are we really supposed to sit on the sofa wrapped in a blanket? Is that what people do?
I'm reminded of 'Suth' the student house where I not only met husband but some amazing friends. First year I stayed there I had an upstairs bedroom which was freezing, both because of there being no central heating and also because the window used to blow open in the middle of the night. For a while I had my bed under the window, luckily I was usually drunk as quite often woke up wet and in gale from open window. It was a great window though, could get out of it, and sit on roof, and make rude comments on people below.
Found out the year later that there had been something like 12 chinese men killed in that room in massacre, apparantly an axe was used and the landlord got property cheap as he had to scrub the blood of the walls. Weirdly I wasn't scared of the room, or the house, unlike my friend L's house. L managed to convince all the girls once that Mr Tickle was lurking outside the lounge window scratching on it. They also had a slug problem in their kitchen, and had someone murdered with a paving slab outside their house.
These are the reasons I've picked to live in suburbia I think.
I'm reminded of 'Suth' the student house where I not only met husband but some amazing friends. First year I stayed there I had an upstairs bedroom which was freezing, both because of there being no central heating and also because the window used to blow open in the middle of the night. For a while I had my bed under the window, luckily I was usually drunk as quite often woke up wet and in gale from open window. It was a great window though, could get out of it, and sit on roof, and make rude comments on people below.
Found out the year later that there had been something like 12 chinese men killed in that room in massacre, apparantly an axe was used and the landlord got property cheap as he had to scrub the blood of the walls. Weirdly I wasn't scared of the room, or the house, unlike my friend L's house. L managed to convince all the girls once that Mr Tickle was lurking outside the lounge window scratching on it. They also had a slug problem in their kitchen, and had someone murdered with a paving slab outside their house.
These are the reasons I've picked to live in suburbia I think.
Monday, 12 November 2007
Pension Day
Went to the bank and the post office this morning, they seemed to have reversed functions. The bank was packed with over sixties who had sort of book things (perhaps older people not to be trusted with debit cards). The older people were enormously friendly, and entertaining both to the whole queue and to the cashiers. It was lovely, a sort of capitalist community centre, but with a queue, which I guess makes it more East European, although not massively 'cos my experience of East Europe is there isn't much random chatting in queues. There was lots of jollity about ooh, my extra two hundred for heating is there.
Think this is government policy to give out to all older people this winter. Have to admit was bit jealous, really fancy using £2oo worth of heating just for hell of it. Don't really like wearing slippers and jumpers in the house. Can't remember ever putting one on indoors in London. I asked a mummy at pre-school today how much colder it gets here, she laughed and said much, and that we have snow as we are up the hill. Warmer in town centre with no snow, ? cos seaside air has salt in it and that melts the snow? Not positive that is reason, but colder! What if we have to drink hot drinks to keep warm and buy these blanket things I saw in a catalogue which you put over you to watch tv that have a special front pocket for glasses (sadly reading not wine), or a remote control. Oooh just had better idea, we can just take up drinking whisky or hot rum.
But back to the post office, weirdly it had totally swopped clientele and length of queue with the bank. Everyone in the post office was in their thirties or forties, bar the staff, who are very nice anyway. And everyone seemed to be posting things they had sold on e-bay. Seriously weird. Sometimes I think I am living a total parallel life to all other thirty something's with children. There was another me with a baby in there, although she was braver than I am with the posting of stuff, and managed Finland! I just tell ebay potential purchasers that I don't do abroad. Seems terribly xenophobic now thinking about it, and also rather lazy, why don't I? Could just make up postage costs as woman in post office admitted to doing. Luckily she erred on her side today.
Think this is government policy to give out to all older people this winter. Have to admit was bit jealous, really fancy using £2oo worth of heating just for hell of it. Don't really like wearing slippers and jumpers in the house. Can't remember ever putting one on indoors in London. I asked a mummy at pre-school today how much colder it gets here, she laughed and said much, and that we have snow as we are up the hill. Warmer in town centre with no snow, ? cos seaside air has salt in it and that melts the snow? Not positive that is reason, but colder! What if we have to drink hot drinks to keep warm and buy these blanket things I saw in a catalogue which you put over you to watch tv that have a special front pocket for glasses (sadly reading not wine), or a remote control. Oooh just had better idea, we can just take up drinking whisky or hot rum.
But back to the post office, weirdly it had totally swopped clientele and length of queue with the bank. Everyone in the post office was in their thirties or forties, bar the staff, who are very nice anyway. And everyone seemed to be posting things they had sold on e-bay. Seriously weird. Sometimes I think I am living a total parallel life to all other thirty something's with children. There was another me with a baby in there, although she was braver than I am with the posting of stuff, and managed Finland! I just tell ebay potential purchasers that I don't do abroad. Seems terribly xenophobic now thinking about it, and also rather lazy, why don't I? Could just make up postage costs as woman in post office admitted to doing. Luckily she erred on her side today.
Three, sorry actually Four Reasons Son's Nursery May Have Concerns
1. Earlier in the term, realised before breakfast we were out of milk and bread, so decided on quick dash to shops. Of course we didn't get dressed, just put our coats on over pyjamas. And of course the children didn't want to come so bribed them by saying they could buy sweets - but not eat them until after lunch - . Got to shop, bought milk, bread and sweets, daughter chose a sweetie necklace which she put on.
Bumped directly in to Nursery school teacher, who said goodness you're all up early, and looked at daughter eating sweetie necklace for breakfast. Not only do we shop in our pyjamas, at least one of us eats sweets for breakfast.
2. A few weeks ago daughter and I got caught in massive downpour on way to Nursery. I had pack a mac on and was dry. Had forgotten buggy cover and daughter's coat got drenched through. She was crying and even her nappy had got wet. Nursery felt so sorry for her they lent her clothes. But I was ok.
3. At parents evening the teacher was in the middle of explaining how son has difficulties in stopping talking and let others talk. Whilst she was talking I half put my hand up, palm facing her, and interrupted her by saying don't you ever do this? Shocked face, she said no, talk to the hand is a bit rude. I was no no no, I meant put their hands up. Too late though as had already interrupted her.
4. Last week went to pick up son in new coat. One of the teachers admired it, and I admitted it was new. She then looked at daughter who was just wearing a thin jumper and asked her if she was a bit cold. The shame. I explained we had at least come in the car, but why did I put my coat on and not hers? Bad me.
Bumped directly in to Nursery school teacher, who said goodness you're all up early, and looked at daughter eating sweetie necklace for breakfast. Not only do we shop in our pyjamas, at least one of us eats sweets for breakfast.
2. A few weeks ago daughter and I got caught in massive downpour on way to Nursery. I had pack a mac on and was dry. Had forgotten buggy cover and daughter's coat got drenched through. She was crying and even her nappy had got wet. Nursery felt so sorry for her they lent her clothes. But I was ok.
3. At parents evening the teacher was in the middle of explaining how son has difficulties in stopping talking and let others talk. Whilst she was talking I half put my hand up, palm facing her, and interrupted her by saying don't you ever do this? Shocked face, she said no, talk to the hand is a bit rude. I was no no no, I meant put their hands up. Too late though as had already interrupted her.
4. Last week went to pick up son in new coat. One of the teachers admired it, and I admitted it was new. She then looked at daughter who was just wearing a thin jumper and asked her if she was a bit cold. The shame. I explained we had at least come in the car, but why did I put my coat on and not hers? Bad me.
Sunday, 11 November 2007
Dark Day
Just realised there is a definite correlation between how much work we do on the garden and how much our neighbours talk to us. We definitely have the worst front garden on the road, and actually really nice neighbours. Basically we're not keeping up with the neighbourhood, not in terms of buying things but in doing work on the house.
Never knew suburbia was so hard. Will have to make best front garden in street just to make up. Trouble is husband broke all garden tools last week when digging, seriously broke the spade, fork and a hoe thing. Also I saw a big arch enemy out there this week, a very hairy spider which moved very quickly. The moving ones are the worst, am sort of getting immune to the still ones in the corners. Please don't tell me they move when I'm not looking, have decided they like to live very still, sort of to not be noticed so they can catch things.
Friend from Bexhill had a rat in her kitchen bin last week, she just shut the lid and went to work. That's braver than me, although in some ways bit ineffective as a treatment as rat was still in bin later on. She did not know where it came from and she is in a new apartment. The creatures of the outside world come to all of us, no matter what sort of plaster you have on the walls.
Never knew suburbia was so hard. Will have to make best front garden in street just to make up. Trouble is husband broke all garden tools last week when digging, seriously broke the spade, fork and a hoe thing. Also I saw a big arch enemy out there this week, a very hairy spider which moved very quickly. The moving ones are the worst, am sort of getting immune to the still ones in the corners. Please don't tell me they move when I'm not looking, have decided they like to live very still, sort of to not be noticed so they can catch things.
Friend from Bexhill had a rat in her kitchen bin last week, she just shut the lid and went to work. That's braver than me, although in some ways bit ineffective as a treatment as rat was still in bin later on. She did not know where it came from and she is in a new apartment. The creatures of the outside world come to all of us, no matter what sort of plaster you have on the walls.
Chilly night
Lovely cold night, been watching X-factor with a fire made out of found wood, feel very cosy and country. Think need a bit more seaside in life so will definitely go down to the beach tomorrow and try and get some found objects.
Also loving old Coupling we sky plus'd - the lines are great. Been trying to ponder who is Jeff in my life - don't think we have one - shame!
Also loving old Coupling we sky plus'd - the lines are great. Been trying to ponder who is Jeff in my life - don't think we have one - shame!
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